Freestyle poetry - 4 couplets in one minute...

Scrolling across the page
the windows and cabins
open and shut
like little pennies
freaking out
without a sound
making me tremble
but only for a moment.
- posted by syed-m @ 2:56 AM

 
A break from the past to update you on the present

Apologies for not having written for some time. I've been totally shagged out at work. And I've replaced my weekend rest with all-night clubbing excursions that have exhausted me even more. Emotionally, things aren't much better - I'm starting to get those old feelings again... yep, you guessed it, for Plan A (major groan). My resolve - to not fool myself into thinking that Plan A and I have a future romantically - still fluctuates on a daily basis, often on multiple occasions. I hate to say this, but Kelly Clarkson says it best:

"Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin
And I keep on fallin
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two"

At least in most other dimensions that one can hope to measure one's life, I'm stronger than before and winning a number of office-political battles. I certainly haven't caught in the pouring rain yet either (it doesn't rain much in Canberra).

I'm also starting to think that my current tendency to get disheartened as a byproduct of frustration has more to do with familiarity than causation. Let me explain. A couple of years ago, there was a very good reason why frustration turned to melancholy. A couple of years ago I was living with people I had been watching suffer ad nauseum for over a decade with no resolution of the problems in sight. Things are much better now, but a sense of sadness and despair has become such a familiar byproduct of frustration that I generally forget that I really don't have anything that significant worth getting down over.

What is sad though is the fact that although there is so much I could ramble on about, so many new discoveries (and old discoveries rediscovered) made of late, I simply cannot find the energy to write on a regular basis - because of work, life, and all that. In fact the only way I can write tonight is to listen to James Taylor (Note to those who cannot read my mind: this is meant to be an ironic comment - I'm so not in a James Taylor music mood these days!) and not really think too much about where this sentence is going (I'm sure you've asked yourself that too).

In May I will celebrate the first anniversary of my first ever unrequited love. Oh what a terrible frustrating pain! If there is one thing I have genuinely learnt over the past year, and believe me there is more than one thing that I have learnt, it is just how truly monogamous a person I am. As Circe keeps telling me, there are plenty of women out there (and, to be sure, I interacted variously with three of them last Saturday - whoohoo!) I just can't shuffle off thoughts about this one girl. I KNOW that there is no such thing as the one true love, I KNOW that there are plenty of beautiful fish in the sea, even if you factor in that the number of women that I would find attractive enough (in the most overarching meaning of the term attractive) to go out with is very small, this is still true. And yet, there she is, Plan A, the centerpiece of my conscious and subconscious mind - my waking and sleeping thoughts.

More to follow. ‘night.
- posted by syed-m @ 2:54 AM